Mi primera mujer era una arpia,
pero, muchacho,
el punto del gazpacho.
joder si lo tenía,
se llamaba... digamos que Sofía.
Un mal día
me puso las maletas
a los pies de la estatua, de un poeta,
que esta, inmortalizado,
en su glorieta.
Después de, no se asombren,
registrar, a su nombre,
mi chalet adosado,
mi visa, mi pasado,
su prisa y su futuro,
dejándome tirado
y sin un duro.
La gota que colmó,
damas y caballeros,
el vaso de su amor,
fue de colesterol.
Harto, tras dos infartos,
de acercarme al tercero...
al sístole y al diástole
de mi corazón
le puse un marcapasos,
que andaba con retraso,
haciendo interferencias
en la frecuencia
del televisor.
Desde que la perdí
hasta hoy, pobre de mí,
cada vez más borracho,
ruedo de mostrador
en mostrador:
jefe: ¿tienen gazpacho?
Pero... qué hermosa era
cuando iba de mi brazo por la acera,
¿ustedes me han mirado?,
pedirle a ese bombón que me quisiera
¿no les parece que era
pedirle demasiado?
Mi segunda mujer
era una bruja
y yo, tan mamarracho, que besaba
el suelo que pisaba.
Se llamaba... digamos que Maruja.
Aquel día
volví pronto del tajo,
y, en mi cama,
debajo
de un idiota,
una dama,
en pelotas,
se lo hacía.
Y yo que nunca había
estado en una orgía,
quitándome las botas,
me dije: "ésta es la mía",
y tanto que lo era,
la del tacón de aguja
era Maruja.
"Entre ese idiota y yo,
cual Júpiter tronante,
tú eliges" dije yo,
¿que qué me contestó?
sin dudarlo un instante,
"me voy con el idiota".
Y ustedes, que creían,
que el idiota era yo,
pues no,
la muy pendón
se iba y se venía,
poniéndose las botas,
con el menos idiota
de los dos.
Y ¿saben qué les digo?
aquel idiota y yo
nos hicimos amigos,
el día que Maruja nos dejó...
por otro idiota.
Pero... qué hermosas eran
mi segunda mujer y la primera.
¿Ustedes me han mirado?
pedirles, además, que me quisieran,
¿no les parece que era
pedirles demasiado?
Mi tercera mujer era, señores
de todos los amores
que he perdido
el que más me ha dolido.
¿adivinan? Se llamaba Dolores.
Pero, el día
de mi cumple, mi amorcito
me dijo: "Aunque eres malo,
Joaquinito,
te traigo, de regalo,
un regalito"
Con su santa inconsciencia
se declaró en estado,
y yo, que había jurado
morir sin descendencia,
como murió mi padre,
a la futura madre,
consternado:
"¡Hay dolores que matan!"
le grité dolorido
"¿Y no se te ha ocurrido
pensar que tu marido
hubiera preferido
otra corbata?"
Fue niña, niña pija,
¡ni siquiera varón!.
Por fin, con veinte años,
se la llevó un extraño,
y no perdí una hija,
gané un cuarto de baño.
¡Con perdón!
Sofía me aliñaba,
Maruja me adornó,
ya solo me faltaba
tomar clases de parto sin dolor
y con Dolores.
Pero... qué hermosas eran las tres,
y, sobre todo, la tercera
¿Ustedes me han mirado?
pedirles, además, que me quisieran
¿No les parece que era
pedirles demasiado?
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