RESTAURANT MAN
No please no,
Not tonight please no,
Mister,Can't you go,
Not tonight,
Can't have a scene.
ROGER
What?
RESTAURANT MAN
go, please go, you,
Hello sir,
I said no, important customer,
MARK
What am I, just a blur?
RESTAURANT MAN
You sit all night, you never buy.
MARK
That's a lie, that's a lie,
I had a tea the other day
RESTAURANT MAN
You couldnt pay!
MARK
Oh yeah...
COLLINS
Benjamin Coffin the third- here?
RESTAURANT MAN
Oh no!
ALL
Wine and Beer!
MAUREEN
The enemy of Avenue A, will stay
(they sit)
RESTAURANT MAN
Oy vey.
COLLINS
What brings a mogul in his own mind, to the life cafe?
BENNY
I would like to propose a toast,
To Maureen's noble try. It went well.
MAUREEN
Go to hell!
BENNY
Was the yuppie scum stomped?
Not counting the homeless, how many tickets weren't comped?
ROGER
Why did Muffy-
BENNY
Alison-
ROGER
Miss the show?
BENNY
There was a death in the family, if you must know.
ANGEL
Who died?
BENNY
Our akita
BENNY, MARK, ANGEL & COLLINS
Evita.
BENNY
Mimi, I'm suprised,
A bright and charming girl like you,
Hangs out with these slackers,
(Who don't adhere to deals)
They make fun- yet I am the one,
Attempting to do some good.
Or do you really want a neighborhood,
Where people piss on your stoop every night?
Bohemia, Bohemia is a fallacy in your head,
This is Calcutta, Bohemia is dead.
MARK
Dearly beloved,
We gather here to say our goodbyes.
Here she lies, no one knew her worth
the late, great, daughter of mother earth.
On this night, when we celebrate the birth.
In that little town of Bethlehem
We raise our glass, you bet your ass (maureen flashes hers) to
La Vie Boheme.
ALL
la vie boheme x4
MARK
To days of inspiration, Playing hooky,
Makin something out of nothing
The need to express-
To communicate,
To going against the grain,
Going insane, Going mad,
To loving tension,
No pension,
To more than one dimension,
To starving for attention,
Hating convention,
Hating pretestion,
Not to mention, of course,
Hating dear old mom and dad.
To riding your bike midday
Pass the three piece suits-
To fruits-
To no absolutes-
To Absolut-
To choice-
To the Village Voice,
To any passing fad.
To being an us for once,
Instead of at them
ALL
La vie boheme,
Gust The Women-
La vie boheme
MAUREEN
Is the equipment in a pyramid?
JOANNE
It is maureen
MAUREEN
The mixer doesnt have a case
Don't give me that face! [ass slap]
Hey mister, she's my sister!
RESTAURANT MAN
So thats 5 miso soup
4 seaweed salad
3 soy burger dinner
2 tofu dog platters
And 1 pasta with meatless balls
(eww)
COLLINS
It tastes the same!
MIMI
If you close your eyes
RESTAURANT MAN
And 13 orders of fries, is that it here?
ALL
wine and beer!
MIMI AND ANGEL
To hand crafted beers made in local breweries,
To yoga, To yogurt, To rice and beans and cheese,
To leather, To dildos,
To curry vindaloo,
To huevos rancheros,
And Maya Angelou,
MAUREEN AND COLLINS
Emotion, Devotion,
To causing a commotion,
Creation, Vacation
MARK
Mucho masturbation,
MAUREEN AND COLLINS
Compassion, To fashion,
To passion when it's new
COLLINS
To Sontag
ANGEL
To Sondheim
OTHERS
To anything taboo
COLLINS AND ROGER
Ginsberg, Dylan, Cunningham, and Cage
COLLINS
Lenny bruce
ROGER
Langston Hughes
MAUREEN
To the stage!
PERSON #1
To uta,
To buddha
Pablo naruda too
MARK AND MIMI
Why Dorothy and Toto,
Went over the rainbow,
To blow off Auntie Em
ALL
La Vie Boheme
MAUREEN
And wipe the speakers off before you pack
JOANNE
yes, Maureen,
MAUREEN
Well, Hurry back!
MR. GREY
Sisters?
MAUREEN
We're close.
OTHERS
Brothers!
ALL
Bisexuals, Trisexuals,
Homo sapiens,
Carcinogens,
Hallucinogens, Men
Pee Wee Herman,
German wine, Turpentine
Gertude Stein,Antonioni,
Bertolucci, Kurosowa,
"Camina Burna"
To apathy, To entropy,
To empathy, ecstacy,
Vaclav Havel, The Sex Pistols, 8BC,
To no shame,
Never playing the fame game.
COLLINS
To marijuana!
ALL
To sodomy,
It's between God and me, to S&M
BENNY
Waiter, Waiter, Waiter
ALL
La Vie Boheme!
COLLINS
In honor of the death of Bohemia,
An impromptu salon will commence immediately
following dinner....
Mimi Marquez, clad only in bubble wrap,
Will perform her famous lawn chair handcuff dance,
To the sound of iced tea being stirred.
ROGER
and Mark Cohen will preview his new documentary,
About his inabilty to hold an erection,
On the high holy days.
MARK
And Maureen Johnson,
Back from her spectacular one night engagement
at the 11th Street lot
Will sing Native American tribal chants backwards,
through her vocoder,
while accompanying herself on the electric cello,
which she has never studied.
BENNY
Your new boyfriend doesn't know about us.
MIMI
Theres nothing to know.
BENNY
Don't you think that we should discuss.
MIMI
It was three months ago.
BENNY
He doesn't act like he's with you.
MIMI
We're taking it slow.
BENNY
Where is he now?
MIMI
He's right.... (uhuh)hmm...where'd he go?
MARK
And Roger will attempt to write a bittersweet
devocative song
(Roger plays)
That doesn't remind us of Musetta's waltz.
COLLINS
Angel Dumott Schunard will model the latest fall fashions from Paris,
While accompanying herself,
On the 10 gallon plastic pickle tub.
ANGEL
And Collins will recount his exploits as anarchist,
Including the tale of his successful reprogramming of the MIT
Virtual Reality equipment to self destruct as it broadcast the words,
Actual Reality! Act Up! FIGHT AIDS!
Benny:
Check!
MIMI
Excuse me, did I do something wrong?
I get invited and ignored,
All night long
ROGER
I've been trying, I'm not lying,
No one's perfect, I've got baggage
MIMI
Life's too short, babe, time is flyin'
I'm lookin for baggage that goes with mine
ROGER
I should tell you
MIMI
I've got baggage too,
Should tell you
BOTH
Baggage wine
ALL
and beer!
MIMI
AZT break
(MIMI, ROGER, ANGEL, AND COLLINS take pills)
ROGER
You?
MIMI
Me
You?
ROGER
Mimi
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Oswald
Vampire Weekend
Alexa Vega
Marc Anthony
Poppy
Prefuse 73
Cirith Ungol
Indeep
Eef Barzelay
Mu330
Saliva
Monster Magnet